Hey everyone! A week late and a dollar short, but here it is: my RDPR Season 7 FINALE RANT! Last of it's kind, first of it's stature, forever drowning in a sea of sequins, glitter, and forehead black-spray-paint (courtesy of Ginger Minj). So join me now, won't you, for the most unnecessary rant yet (which is really saying something considering the superfluous nature of this beast). ON WITH THE BREAKDOWN:
For this Very Special RPDR Rant I will first breakdown the Eliminated Queens based on their Runway Power Rankings (mostly because they were given such little screen time during this recap that their looks were all we could judge them on):
1. Coming in at Number 1 is the bitch who should have come in at Number 1 (in the competition): KATYA. Sure, there may be a little bit of bitter bias here, but there is also truth: her look was AMAZING. It was striking, editorial, flashy in all the right ways, and just felt original and flawless. The black and white zig-zag pattern inlaid under the red sequins created such a powerful image that she kind of blew away her fellow contestants (and that's saying something- most of these queens looked FANTASTIC). I'm also going to take this time to say: DAMN YOU RU! You played with my heart this finale and if you had just slightly more gall you could have redeemed this entire season if you had only gone through with crowning Miss Katya. That little water stunt was PERFECTION and had the entire bar I was watching with screaming so loudly the walls shook, and then booing/laughing so loudly they shook even more. Katya is, probably, the queen who will come out of this season the True Winner. And she deserves nothing less because she is PERFECTION. And she really needs to pee on Mother Ru.
2. Coming in Number 2: Miss TEMPEST DUJOUR. Now, hear me out: out of all the queens that night no one showed so much marked improvement in her craft than Tempest did with this surprisingly wonderful look. It was campy, well thought-out/executed and played to the Dear-God-That's-Severe nature of her face. She looked like a Medieval Painting of the Virgin Mother burst forth in a shower of butt plugs to grace the stage, and I was living for it. On the show she was such a disaster, but here she actually managed to showcase at least a modicum of her supposed seamstress credentials that were completely absent from her time in the competition. So she gets kudos for a great outfit and further boosts for such a massive improvement.
3. Please welcome Miss JAIDYNN DIORE FIERCE to her rightful place as Number 3! I loved the rich deep green of her sequin dress (that highlighted every curve and swerve of her body). Her presentation with the claw mark was sexy, and her hair/makeup were FLAWLESS. Bitch worked it that night and made it even more frustrating that she didn't wait two more seasons to compete. With the added experience and confidence she could have taken this competition by storm and won the crown.
4. Number 4: Another surprise: Miss KANDY HO. Yes yes yes. BOY was this girl a Forgettable Snooze-Bore Coma Generator 3000 on the show. And her looks were always a little off. And her makeup was always surprisingly sloppy and beardsy. But here? With what I have to believe was the team of makeup artists she spoke of during her ten seconds of interview later in the show? She looked downright amazing. Her hair was hysterical (like a fabulous dark chocolate poop swirl) and her dress was flowing, elegant and classic. When she twirled and nestled into a seated position at the end of the stage I looked at Jon and went "Seriously, give her credit- that Ho really sold that outfit." So congrats Miss Ho, you managed to capture my attention for the first time all season.
5. Number Five Clucking Alive: It's MISS FAME. I actually loved this look. Her makeup and hair were as flawless as we've ever seen, the dress outlandish, sci-fi fun and it fit like a glove. It wasn't my favorite look of the night but it was attention grabbing and did her claim-to-Fame proud (I'm sorry, I'll stop).
6. Next up it's MAX! I wish I could say I was in love with this look, but overall I was merely happy with it. I was hoping for something far more flashy and over-the-top from her. Instead we got a wonderfully editorial look that felt like The Riddler had sex with Tilda Swinton in a Circus Tent and gave birth to La Roux as a Ringmaster. Obviously awesome, but a little overshadowed by her fellow (in my opinion less original or talented) queens.
7. Coming in at Number 7: KENNEDY DAVENPORT. I can't get the image some redditor created with this look out of my head: it shows the toy cars taken from Pandora's Season 2 reunion outfit and sent them careening onto Kennedy's hair, loop-di-loop around the swirl and launch out. It gave me a snort and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you Nameless Reditor. As for the rest of the look? I guess I just have to say I don't see what everyone else does in this queen. I didn't like a single look from her all season. And I wasn't all that amazed by this either. She looked GREAT. She really did. They all did. But there were just too many things going on in too many different styles and eras that it ultimately came off looking messy.
8. Next up it's Miss JASMINE MASTERS! She looked wonderful. Better than she ever did on the show. This is mostly because she was covering up her abs and finally had great padding. One of my biggest problems with her on the show is how she looked like a hollywood actor in the 80's who dresses up as a woman to go undercover but its so hysterically bad and unconvincing that half of the humor derives from the fact that everyone still seems to be hoodwinked regardless. She suffered hardcore from Man In A Dress ALA Milan Syndrome. But here? Good makeup, good earrings, pretty dress, good padding. A little boring, but at least she looked good!
9. MRS. KASHA DAVIS! While more cohesive and classier than Kennedy Davenport, Mrs. Davis was merely good. She looked stunning and it suited her, but I just wasn't all that blown away by it. Just because it has sequins, girls, doesn't mean it's over the top enough for a RPDR Reunion. And BOY was it similar to Kennedy's, right down to the fringe on the bottom. The only reason it's lower than Davenport, though, is because Kennedy's hair made her look far more memorable.
10. Sadly I must place Miss TRIXIE MATTEL at Number 10. I love me some Trixie. Sure, she didn't get much further after her return. Sure, all that potential and supposed sense of humor was lost in translation (or on the editing room floor) for this competition. But I saw enough of what she does outside the show to realize how amazing this queen truly is- which is why it pains me that I was so uninspired by this look. I get it, Miss Mattel, you wanted to go FULL TRIXIE for the reunion. But in the end it was so much happening at such a concentrated, unedited level it was just relatively unpleasant to look at. I am the last person who thinks Trixie should fundamentally change her aesthetic- but I'm the first to suggest that she needs to learn the vital tool of EDITING before she can really be the superstar she has every right to be.
11. In last place comes Ms. SASHA BELL (whose name I had to look up as I typed this just to be reminded since she's about as memorable as The Silence from Doctor Who). She looked FAR better here than she ever did on her short run this season- but that's not saying much. The wig was boring, the dress was cheap and the overall application looked like a bargain-bin Roxxxy Andrews.
NOW- on to the TOP 3!
• Ginger Minj: After watching an overall amazing runway with the eliminated queens out pops the Glamour Toad herself . . . with the overall effect of a fizzled-out fire cracker. It was standard Minj. Boring, predictable, yet polished and well presented. ALL her looks of the night came off this way. And that's ultimately, to me, what sealed her fate. Out of all the queens this season Minj showed the least amount of growth. You could argue this is because she was strong to begin with but that's only half-true. She didn't need a single ounce of growth in her performance abilities. She could out-act and perform in circles around nearly all the other queens (more on that "nearly" in a moment). But that's it. She had PLENTY of room to grow in her visual versatility and makeup application. And yet she didn't. Not one ounce. Couple this with the fact that all her lipsynch tricks were old-hat at this point (due to two factors: she doesn't have that many tricks and the audience had already seen them due to her three previous LSFYL) and there just wasn't enough there to counter-balance the sheer level of Bitch that she presented in the final episode before the reunion. Her lipsynch was fun. It was high energy. It was funny. It just wasn't enough.
The girl is a Rock Star. I'd pay to see her live and shower her with dollars. But she just wasn't the Next Drag Superstar. A friend of mine took the words right out of my mouth recently: Minj lost this season because Bianca Del Rio won last season. And Minj was too similar to Bianca (while being a mere shadow of Bianca in nearly every way). However she has a bright future ahead of her. She's young (29 is too young for The Bitter Old Lady Brigade, bitch) and the sky's the limit. So carry on, Ms. Toad! CARRY ON! PS: anyone else living for her tiny metal feet during her interview? That's got to be the most hilariously unintentional addition to an outfit in RPDR Herstory. BIONIC MINJ! Now you can wash it in the sink! (Archer reference).
• Pearl: Pearl was never going to win this. While I love her to death she just wasn't versatile enough and her "wake up Pearl" storyline felt forced and false. She never needed to "wake up." She needed a kick in the ass to get her into the competitive spirit, but sleepiness was never her problem. And while her looks were nearly always my personal favorite- they definitely all were of a very specific aesthetic. There was no versatility there and it was the most apparent in her (gorgeous, flawless, yet predictable) reunion looks and performance. It was all just . . . . so . . . Flazéda. I *did* end up loving her Sleepwalker Lipsynch but it was also the shortest and most boring of the three. Honestly there just isn't much to say about Pearl in this reunion. I love the bitch. She's talented and funny as fuck and I can't wait to see her live. Needless to say she has a fan in me- but it was ultimately so obvious that she wasn't winning this season that she came off as nothing more than lovely eye-candy to look at while Violet took the crown.
• Violet: Violet earned her crown and then some this reunion. Everything she did and said was confident, polished and FLAWLESS. Each look was wildly different from the next and yet absolutely STUNNING. And her performance? Ginger Minj should takes notes from Violet on how to move and properly build momentum in a lipsynch. Ginger was HIGH OCTANE from start to finish, which is interesting, but every good tale benefits from a build-up and a climax, and if you are running 100mph the entire time there is no chance for this kind of story to unfold. Violet's dance/striptease, on the other hand, did just that. She oozed grace and confidence and sensuality in every single move she made and with every layer she discarded added a new level of energy and movement. Ultimately it all came to an exciting crescendo that had the whole bar out of their seats. Violet proved in this reunion that she is far, far more than just a walking vogue magazine. She's a genuinely talented performer as well- something we just didn't have the opportunity to see on the show and I'm glad they altered the format of the reunion to convey. By the time Violet's name was called out it was already a forgone conclusion in my mind. Every moment after her Lipsynch was simply another second of waiting to hear her called forth. So CONGRATS to the newest champion VIOLET CHACHKI! Long may she sparkle!
• CAN'T WAIT FOR SEASON 8!
• Katya will WIN the All-Stars or I will slap a ho. Probably a Kandy Ho.
• Thank you all so much for putting up with these rants. They were so much fun to write and let me get all this off my chest. Love you all!