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RPDR RANT: All Stars 3, Episode 3

Aedan Roberts

Hey all! Sorry for the delay. I had to give this one a couple days and a couple extra watches to let me come to a consensus on my opinions. I knew if I scribbled up this rant right after my initial watch I would have probably not been thinking clearly.

So now that I have given myself time to stew, on to the rant!

This week was a fantastic challenge (though it was still plagued with problems inherent to any challenge where the roles are not equal and each queen relies on another to a certain extent).

So quick rundown: the queens come back, everyone laughs at Thorgy's erectile sendoff (except Kennedy), they are given the challenge to improv as contestants in a spoof of The Bachelor (The Bitchelor- oh SNAP!) and the runway theme was Wig Reveals (courtesy of Roxxxy, and honestly at this point Peppermint considering how many times she did it in season 9).

Now on to the Breakdown! In order of my personal Best To Worst:

BEN DE LA CREME: Three for fucking three ladies and gentlemen. Going into this season I was rooting for two people equally: Ben and Trixie. That has officially changed. Miss Creme is fucking brilliant and my current top pick for the crown. She's clever, polished to the gods, and seems to be able to roll with any punch thrown her way. I am 100% Team Ben at this point (though I still love, and am rooting for, Trixie as well).

This week she was given the role of Cougar to play alongside Bebe's Virgin- and her hysterical, spot-on portrayal was my favorite performance of the week. Hands down. Everything about her was perfection: her overly tanned makeup, her frazzled short blonde wig (which, by the way, makes me want to see Ben as a blonde more often), her boobs, her neon pink spandex outfit that was giving the camera near-constant crotch-shots, her martini glass permanently glued to her hand . . . and don't get me started on her improv- it was absolutely hilarious. I wish we could have seen more.

Her runway was also one of the better ones this week. Instead of going for the obvious (a big wig to a cropped wig) she went with reveals that stood out from the crowd. Her regular bouffant up-do was cast off to reveal a 3-4 foot sleek black wig that fell gracefully down her back- and instead of leaving it there she tore away her standard party dress to reveal a long layered skirt covered with hair as well. It added that little bit of Extra and had us gagged.

Her lipsynch was the only "eh" moment of the night for Ben- but she performed it well. To be honest neither girl exactly slayed it- but I feel like "Green Light" (while a fantastic song) isn't exactly a good LSFYL choice.

Ben is rocking my world and I can only hope she continues this trend- because we all known she can.

KENNEDY DAVENPORT: I know. I know! I KNOW! It's absolutely shocking to see this girl so damn high on a list written by me. But this week Kennedy managed to do the unthinkable: she has changed my opinion of her. Not entirely (I still think she needs to lighten up significantly- her anger at Thorgy's silly mirror message was really, REALLY off-putting and typical Davenport) but I no longer think she lacks any sense of humor at all. Her Party Girl was shockingly hysterical. I mean it's no coincidence that the two best performances of the night were from roles meant to be portrayed as complete messes- but Kennedy brought a level of outrageous that I didn't think she was capable of.

I can see some of you saying "Well come on Aedan, don't you remember her snatch game or the music parody challenge?" And to that I say: yes. Yes I do. And I honestly didn't think she was very funny in either of them. I felt her Little Richard (at least what was shown) was one-note and did NOT deserve a co-win. The same goes for the parody challenge. Even her John Waters performance didn't do anything for me: Katya ran away with that scene, not Kennedy.

However she DID prove to have the comedy chops in this episode. The costume was perfection, the sight gags were amazing (like pulling a full bottle of liquor out of her snatch), and her padding was over-the-top. I was LIVING for it. It was also a dynamic performance- it had MANY layers of WTF. If she lightens up elsewhere I could even see myself beginning to root for her- though let's be honest: that likely won't happen. She still has the taste level issue that bugs me to my core.

Speaking of which lets move on to her Runway. While I stand by my "girl has no taste" opinion I will hand it to her here: she NAILED this runway challenge. I can honestly say I have never seen Kennedy more beautiful and elegant than she looked in this episode (both with the runway challenge and the LSFYL outfit). It has become crystal (get it) clear that she currently subscribes to "everything must be soaked in swarovskis" - but unlike the last two times she's done it I was actually here for it. The dress, the hair (with the exception of her mid-wig), and the makeup were all stunning. 

Kennedy deserved the co-win this week - and while the lipsynch wasn't very good for either queen I am not mad with Kennedy taking it. Keep it up Miss Davenport and you may have a convert!

TRIXIE MATTELL: Poor Trixie. Poor, poor wonderful Trixie. She really did start strong with her "Fake Bitch" role. If Trixie has proven anything in her post-season 7 success its that she's a supremely funny comedian with great improv skills and delivery. Sadly all the skills in the world couldn't save her from Milk's desperately unfunny steamroll. I would actually argue that not even Kennedy, Shangela or Ben could have managed to break free from the walking disaster that was Milk this episode- it was just Trixie's unlucky fate to be the girl who was stuck with her. Miss Mattell's initial scenes started VERY strong. Top 2 Strong. However the minute it came time for her and Milk to share the scene it became VERY clear that Trixie's dreams of finally eeking out a win were going to be shattered by her teammate's insecurity and manic delivery.

Trixie was really funny when she was given a chance- but her desire to play by the rules (Visage made it very clear that they should not talk over each other) meant that she couldn't get a word in edgewise. By the fifth time Trixie started to talk and was IMMEDIATELY talked over I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle Milk. In a word: I was furious. However even with all of that working against her she still managed to make Top 3 - so at least there is that!

When it comes to her runway: I was there for the Lady Bunny Evolves Into A White Naomi Smalls Realness. Sure the reveal wasn't all that impressive (her regular hair to a short pixie cut? Girl.) but the looks were polished and I LOVED those sunglasses.

SHANGELA: Shangela pulled a solid 4th place for me. She did the best she could with her lead-weight of a partner- but not even Shangela could improv her way out of that bad situation. She was one-half of a polyamorous couple: The Dominant Executive Realness Lesbian to ChiChi's . . . . whatever it was she was doing. I didn't find her jokes to be funny (they were a bit hackneyed: "Did you say Progressive? I thought you were talking about insurance.") but she looked AMAZING and lovable as a Business Lesbian and she really tried to give ChiChi as many opportunities as she could. For the first time on RPDR Shangela seemed to be thinking about others beyond herself and I liked it. It wasn't her fault that those efforts were lost on the train-wreck that was poor, well-intentioned ChiChi.

As for her runway? It was lovely. It was polished. It was fun. But here's the thing: I really, REALLY hate Shangela's apparent obsession with branding. She's the Box Princess. She's the HALELLOO Lady. And tonight she was the fucking Corn Queen. I get it: making something you failed at into a sellable bit of franchising is smart- but there is a time to move on and that time was five or six YEARS ago. When Shangela does something new and interesting (like her role in today's Maxi-Challenge) I find myself rooting for her. However the minute she falls back on her old catch-phrases and call-backs she loses me. Also the second wig clashed with the gown, so there.

Overall she did the best she could and came out performing competantly. A safe week for Shangie.

BEBE ZAHARA BENET: I'm going to make this quick because there just wasn't a lot to talk about with Bebe. Her performance was supremely competent but VERY much overshadowed by Ben's stand-out role. She went with a virginal, diminutive African Princess - and while that is definitely in her wheelhouse and she looked the part 1000% - it didn't really offer many opportunities to be funny. Sprinkling rose petals at the disgustingly hot Bachelor is only funny once. As for her runway? It was gorgeous as always. The reveal was a little clunky but it was also fun. Overall she added up to safe this week. Not bad at all, especially since improv isn't really her thing- but I hope she can reach for something funnier next week for Snatch Game (HER VERY FIRST ONE!).

AJA: Aja's performance was a 0% in the Maxi Challenge and a 110% in the Runway- which sadly still averaged to a 55% and landed her (somewhat deservingly) in the bottom 3 this week. Was she the worst in the Bitchelor? Not really, no. But she was NOT GOOD. Oh at all. The less said of her somewhat embarrassing "Insecure Girl" the better.

But her Runway? DAMN. HELLA DAMN. It was giving me Blow Up Anime Sex Doll Realness and is probably one of the most unique, amazing outfits to ever walk the RPDR stage. It definitely (DEFINITELY) saved her from Bottom 2 - something she apparently knew had to happen going into Elimination Day. Word on the Reddit Streets is that she actually put together the yellow mid-wig the night before because she wanted that little extra bit of oomph to compensate. Smart girl.

MILK: Milk's delusions - which had been festering since Episode 2 - spilled over into insanity this week and it was NOT. CUTE. Sure she gave it her all- but her apparent need to compensate (likely born out of fear of being overshadowed by Trixie's superior comedic sensibility) not only destroyed her chances of avoiding the Bottom 2, it also ruined Trixie's chances at her first win. Which is a cardinal sin in my book. I mean seriously: she was obnoxious. She never stopped to give her partner a chance to get a word in edgewise. Nothing she said or did was funny. It was a train wreck and we were all yelling at the screen for her to shut the fuck up by the end of their segment.

I really liked her runway but nothing was going to save her in my eyes at this point. Milk had to go. I still do like Milk- just not on the show. Luckily she was mercifully put out of her misery this episode by Kennedy. While it wasn't the right choice in terms of which queen had the better track record it was DEFINITELY the right choice in terms of making the show a little less crazy (crazy in a bad way).

Hopefully her time between now and the Comeback Episode will calm her tits a bit- but I doubt it. Luckily if anyone is winning that it will be Morgan or Thorgy. Either way I look forward to supporting Milk in her endeavors- just as long as I don't have to listen to her talk about herself.

CHICHI DEVAYNE: Poor ChiChi. My heart goes out to her. She is an insanely talented queen who has a bright future ahead of her- it's just that she seems to really be suffering from epic levels of self-doubt in AS3. Self-doubt that manifested itself as a horrendous performance on The Bitchelor. Every moment (save the last, hilarious whisper in the bachelor's ear) was cringe-worthy and unpleasant to watch. Every home-run Shangela sent her way was whiffed in the most painful way possible. It was just . . . bad - and you could tell that even she knew she was bombing hard. Her runway look was gorgeous but it didn't save her from taking my bottom spot this week. My hope is that the chance Kennedy gave her won't go to waste and she will move past her "inner saboteur" in next week's Snatch Game. If not it may be the end of the road for this lovely girl.

I guess that's it! If you want to discuss anything message me here or on facebook. Love talking about this show to anyone willing to do so!